B(e)aring my soul.

I’m not really one for a share of feelings. Which may sound a bit strange to the people who know me, as I am a huge fan of talking therapies, I’m always there to listen to and advise friends, I was even working towards being a counsellor myself and sat my exams with a mahoosive bump containing a very wriggly, bladder kick-y big girl. When it comes to myself though, I tend to keep my emotional cards very close to my chest, hiding behind a wall of humour and deflection. For some reason I have felt this post bubbling away under the surface all day today and felt compelled to sit down and write it down this evening. The last few years have been really tough for us as a family. I’m not going to go into many details, but to summarise; 2 children. 1 traumatic labour. 4 house moves. Some life changing decisions. A few major health issues. 2 serious operations. Friendship struggles and family difficulties. A very long and stressful battle with the black dog that is pnd (Post Natal Depression). Now however, for the first time in a very very long time, I feel peaceful. I realised today, that I feel fine. The 20 foot high waves of anxiety and stress that I’ve been trying to navigate through have gone. Settled into a ripple free millpond of calm. It is a very strange and wonderful feeling. So alien to me recently, that it took me a good while to work out what it was. I am happy. What made me realise especially today, was because the war between big girl and small boy, that has been raging on for almost 3 years, seems to be over. They must have called a truce one night in their bunk beds without us hearing. Today I watched my sweet little son teaching his big sister how to climb out of the pool without using the steps, and saw her taking care of him as tenderly I would when he was upset after falling, and felt something magical, this is what it’s all about, this is what it has all been for. All this time I have been so worried. Worrying about whether we’d done the wrong thing giving her a sibling. Berating myself over and over because she lost such a big part of her mummy when he came along, busy with a baby who cried almost continuously for his first 12 months, exhausted because it took 18 months for him to even think about sleeping through, weighed down with the fog of pnd. I have been eaten up with guilt. For not being the mother I believe I should be. For finding it so tough. For not ringing out every iota of joy and happiness from just their existing and often praying for a break, just holding out until bedtime. Everyone told me things would get better, they said that things would settle down. It was hard to believe it though. It didn’t start well when big girl used the doll we’d bought her as a gift from small boy as a weapon to club his tiny day old newborn head. Then there was the time she pulled his leg in the bath to dislodge him from his baby bath seat, a look of sheer joy on her tiny face as he slipped out of sight under the bubbles. It really hasn’t been easy and all the while this horrible guilt loomed up behind me, but suddenly, I feel free of it. There is real love between them, they care for each other so greatly. They are playing nicely, displaying real affection towards one another, imparting knowledge and wisdom to each other, sharing toys. All these things I had seen in other siblings and feared I’d never see in my children. The relief is tangiable. Sometimes you don’t realise how much something has been upsetting you until you come out of the other side and look back. Things seem to be on the up and up in general. No more moving, that is for certain now, we are settled, have wonderful friends and have carved out a niche for ourselves in our community. There are playdates and mum’s nights, camping trips and parties. We are included in things and have so many wonderful people we want to include in the things we plan too. We are all healthy. Apart from the cake addiction but hey, pick your battles right?! Pnd is still around, may always be somewhere hovering, but at the moment it is under control, damped down, supressed, managed, kenneled! We may be somewhere where the sun is literally shining, but I feel so sure that the sun will stay shining inside me when we get home. Might sound Sounds soooo cheesy but it feels like there has been a seismic shift in just about everything these last few days, and we have all settled into a very calm, happy, unity. Just goes to show, even if life feels as dark as if there are metaphorical blackout blinds up in every one of the windows to your soul, there will always be a chink somewhere that lets the beaming rays of hopeful sunshine in. (Please don’t worry, despite being all happy and bubbly, I will still be sharing the funny stuff. Like tonight there was a drama that made Games of Thrones look like Pingu, an actual real splinter in Big Girl’s foot. I’m thinking of signing her straight up for acting classes because you would have thought she was having her whole leg amputated when I simply tried to look at it! Needless to say she is now sound asleep with said splinter still embedded…….right, where are my tweezers and torch?!)